时髦男女“婚无能”​ – Fashionable men and women are ‘unfit for marriage’

古人云:“每逢佳节倍思亲。”​

 

 

如今时髦男女云:“每逢佳节畏相亲。”​

 

 

在大城市女青年毛利看来,乡亲不仅不值得思,而且面目狰狞,被逼相亲一趟,简直比呼吸雾霾还难受,比堵车还闹心,比银行催还房贷还压力大。​

 

 

元宵节是新春第一个月圆的日子,是天官赐福的日子,也是春节最后一天,一家老小游园、吃元宵是传统必备节目,但今年元宵节与情人节对撞,元宵节完败,微信朋友圈不管已婚未婚,发的多是情人节消息。​

 

 

“餐厅见到一对狗男女,吃完饭,男的打电话:‘老婆,你别下厨了,我打包回来给你吃。’说完将残羹剩菜倒入饭盒。”​

 

 

……​

 

 

果然是情人的节日。情人在欧洲本来是法定一夫一妻制的副产品,但现时中国有些喧宾夺主的味道。​

 

 

情人有男女之欢愉,没有老小之牵挂,有爱情之浪漫,没有家务之劳烦。​

 

 

情人召之即来,挥之即去,免费的社交app应需而丛生。​

 

 

婚姻可有可无,情人断不可少。​

 

 

未婚光荣,没几个情人可耻。​

 

 

……​

 

 

小伙伴们都这么说,再加上政府推波助澜:​

 

 

计划生育好,养老靠政府。​

 

 

缴税家属没优惠,买房夫妻有惩罚。国家每调控房价,必有大众以离婚响应。​

 

 

……​

 

 

只开花不结果的《爱情公寓》持续热播,难得一部家庭伦理剧《爸爸去哪儿》,还以父亲出洋相娱乐观众。​

 

 

在主流媒体话语里,婚姻不仅是爱情的坟墓了,简直成了人生黑洞。不知道多少青年男女,本来对婚姻抱有无限憧憬,活活被吓出恐婚症,或者婚后稍遇挫折,便急忙撤退,我称之为“婚无能”。​

 

 

近现代人类学家亲眼所见,原始部落无论原始到何等程度,家庭关系始终存在。性羞耻、亲缘回避、一夫一妻,也有普遍性,并非文明的产物。所谓群婚、血缘婚,只有罕见的特例,作为历史阶段,则出自个别学者的空想臆测。甚至类人猿都有稳定的伴侣关系。可见婚姻是人的本能,本能丧失,即是病症。​

 

 

婚无能者为企业提供充裕劳动时间,为政府提供超额税收,外间不以为病,本人又不知是病。恐婚、失婚,往往归咎于他人和社会,少有反身省察。​

 

 

婚后生活需要双方在习惯和心理两方面作调适,尤其女方需要接受男方的生活习惯。为什么男人喜欢娶年轻姑娘?不仅仅是容貌身材的问题,生活上的调适能力也很重要。结婚越晚,调适能力越差,很多婚姻不幸由此引起。婚姻虽然是本能,和语言一样,仍需要学习。如果错失适宜的学习时机,连学习的能力都会丧失。​

 

 

1980年代,年轻人的爱情片还遮遮掩掩,《人到中年》等歌颂黄昏恋的的电影却大行其道。这类晚婚晚育的政治宣传,既无科学根据,又无事实基础,但因缺少针对性的批评予以对冲,大人小孩受其流毒影响而不自知。​

 

 

现代教育男女同堂,课程无关生活,只关工作,婚姻能力仅靠父母潜移默化,父母双职工又极为普遍,孩子们学习婚姻的机会活活错过了。“婚无能”高发,不是什么意外。有教育工作者为学童“性教育”操心,更需要学习的婚姻能力却遭到普遍的漠视。​

 

 

未婚、失婚者,若抱怨他人,尚有可能真是遇人不淑。若诅咒婚姻制度,则坐实婚无能。​

 

 

会说话、写字,言论自由才有意义。有婚姻生活的能力,才谈得上婚姻自由。身为父母,若不想等孩子长大逼婚遭怨恨,那么从小就要抓紧“婚前教育”。​

 

 

去年赴日本旅游考察,到东京某幼儿园参观,该幼儿园的创意是将咖啡厅与社区幼儿园一体化。幼儿不仅玩过家家,而且亲眼目睹叔叔、阿姨谈恋爱。当时来去匆匆,回想起来才醒悟日本人的厉害。​

In the past people said: “Every holiday season, think of your parents”.

Today’s fasionable men and women say: “Every holiday season, fear a blind date”.

For young business women from the big cities, not only are the folks back home not worth thinking about: they’re also to be feared. Their malevolence and forced blind dates are simply harder to deal with than breathing smog, more annoying than traffic jams, and are the source of more pressure than the bank’s calls to pay back your home loan.

The Lantern Festival marks the first full moon of Spring, a day of blessing, and the last day of the Chinese New Year. It’s a day where the whole family enjoys an outing, and where eating sticky-rice dumplings is a necessity. But this year the Lantern Festival collides with Valentine’s day, and the Lantern Festival loses out. Your WeChat circles aren’t talking about who’s just gotten married and who hasn’t; the buzz is all about what happened on Valentine’s Day.

“I saw a couple in a restauraunt, clearly cheating, because when they finished eating the man called his wife and said “Honey, don’t make dinner, I’ll bring you a doggy bag for you to eat” before putting the leftovers from the meal into a take-away container.

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It’s as expected though; it’s a festival for lovers. Lovers in Europe are the by-product of monogamy, but even China is now experiencing a hint of ‘the sauce being better than the fish’.

Lovers aren’t subjected to the old and small problems or the inconveniences that plague a man and wife, there’s only romanticism and bliss.

Lovers come when they’re summoned, and scatter when they’re told to. Free social dating apps are growing in popularity.

Marriage is redundant, lovers can come and go as they please.

The glory of being unmarried doesn’t have ​the shame of lovers.

……​

Friends all say that, and add the government slogan:

Family planning is good, the government will take care of your pension.

Families have no tax benefits, and couples buying apartments are punished. Each time the State tries price control, there’s a wave of divorce in response.

……​

The newly blossomed, but fruitless, “Love Apartment” continues to attract a large following among TV viewers. The rare family-focused show “Where are you going Dad” is also continuing to entertain audiences with its depiction of a hopeless father making a fool of himself.

In mainstream media, marriage has not only become the tombstone of love, but a real black hole for life. I don’t know how many young people who originally had a boundless vision of marriage got scared out of it, or after they got married, at the first setback, retreated as quick as they could: I call them ‘unfit for marriage’.

Modern anthropologists have observed that in all human groups, from the most ancient to the most modern forms, the family is always present. Shame associated to promiscuity, incest avoidance, monogamy, all these are universals, not a product of civilisation. So called group-marriages and consanguinous marriages are rare exceptions, they correspond to a historical phase, or utopian speculations from scholars. Even apes have stable relationships with a partner. We can see that marriage is an instinct for humans, and the loss of that instinct, that is the illness.

Those people unfit for marriage provide abundant extra working time to businesses, and additional tax revenue to the State: outsiders don’t consider it a disease, and I’m not sure it’s a disease. The cause for fear of marriage or divorce is often attributed to others or to society, with little introspective reflection.

Married life requires both sides to make adjustments to their habits and psychology, and in particular, the woman needs to accept the man’s habits. Why do men like to marry young women? It’s not just a question of how they look, but their capacity to adapt is also important. Those who marry late are less able to adapt, and the result is many an unfortunate marriage. Although marriage is based on instinct, like languages, it still has to be learnt. And if you miss the opportunity to learn, then that ability will disappear.

In the 1980s, romantic stories with young people were still very secretive, but films like ‘Middle-aged love’ about late-in-life romance are very popular. This kind of propaganda to delay the age of marriage and having a child is based neither on science nor fact, but through the lack of specific criticism, adults and children are exposed to its pernicious influence.

In the modern education, anything relative to men and women living under one roof is unrelated to actual life, and exclusively concerned about work: marriage ability exclusively relies on family influence, and with increased numbers of couples where both parents are working, the opportunity for children to learn is rare. The wave of people ‘unfit for marriage’ is not an accident. Educators worry about ‘sexual education’ for the kids, but there is a general indifference towards the more needed ‘marriage education’.

Single or divorced people, when they complain, 尚有可能真是遇人不淑。Those who curse the institution of marriage are often just incompetent at marriage.

Freedom of speech only makes sense for those who can speak and write. And only those who are able to live a married life can speak of married freedom. As parents, if we do not want our children to become resentful about being forced to marry, then we must pay close attention to ‘pre-marriage’ education.

Last year, I went to Japan, and visited a kindergarten in Tokyo. The place integrated a cafe and a kindergarten for the community. Not only could the children play house, but they could observe the love of their aunties and uncles. At the time, it was just a passing impression, but thinking back on it, it proved how great Japanese people are!

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A digest of online China – 22 Sep – 26 SepMarco Polo Project blogreply
September 26, 2014 at 8:09 am

[…] social and economic changes in recent years affected family structures and family values in China? Fashionable men and women are unfit for marriage takes an original angle on this question, arguing that society should make people ready for […]

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