不要和穷人谈恋爱 – Don’t date poor people

我最好的朋友今年29岁,我们的友情已经有七八年,是我刚来北京就玩在一起的。前几天她跟我说这几年终于过得舒心了,一切源于25岁之后她不允许自己再爱上穷人。

我说你说的就跟穷人有罪似的。她说对啊,穷人就是有罪。然后她看着夜空说,“你不觉得现在这个社会,年轻人很难穷吗?真的只要稍微学点什么,用点脑子,对生活稍微用力一点,就可以养活自己。在这个时代,还坚持穷下去的人他绝对不是简单的穷的问题了,一定是他性格或者人品上有什么缺陷和问题,才导致他穷。你不要小看穷,也不用动不动掏出你一颗圣母心来疼爱万物,我再说一遍,在这个时代一个人穷说明他自身有着很大的问题。”

“尤其男人,穷就判定了这个人没有责任心,也没有任何人脉,换句话说没有人脉就是不会看人,不会交朋友。你肯定又要跟我扯阶级,说一个人也必须拥有差不多的实力,才能跻身比自己高一个级别的圈子。但是就算门口烤白薯的人特别好,特别会做人,他也能交到几个朋友愿意帮他的。这是一个人情商问题,没有朋友愿意帮他,第一说明他情商低,第二说明这个人人品有问题,第三,正常人都有社交,一个人没对象很正常,要是一个朋友都没有,那你不用跟我争,这人就是有问题。”

我突然想起年轻的时候,在我们二十出头的时候,大家找的对象真是一个赛一个穷。那时候我们觉得自己晶莹剔透,透过现象爱本质,透过生活爱灵魂。现在再回头看看,离婚的占大多数,没离的大部分也过的不是特别如意。因为她们嫁的男人,也就是我们当时爱的男人,不仅穷,还不求上进。

看了身边很多血淋淋的例子,冒着挨骂的危险说句实话,奔着结婚去的恋爱,女孩还是不要找太穷而且没有上进心的男孩。除非这几种情况;你也对生活质量没有任何追求、你特别有钱或者你爸特别有钱、他长得帅到你看一眼可以三天不吃饭、这个人真的特别有才华到无可替代。穷不怕,没有上进心的男的真的可怕。

因为不管你们有多相爱,大米都是要花钱买的。如果一旦步入婚姻,你再怎么要强,怀孕后期,生孩子,坐月子,孩子3岁前,你基本是无法出门工作的。而且现在小孩的东西都很贵,如果你想让他过的好一点,那就更贵。北京私立幼儿园据说都三万一个月了,当然不是说必须让孩子上私立幼儿园,只是都希望自己的孩子过的更好一点吧。

我至今都不敢要孩子,因为觉得还不能对一个小生命负责,也不确定自己会不会是一个好妈妈。而且我很自私,我还不想放弃自己享受的时间来照顾孩子。如果你也没有孩子,其实也不用着急,我身边很多朋友都是四十岁左右生的,孩子也一样健康可爱。(是吧,哈哈哈哈我们又找到了合适的理由多玩几年。)

我认识的大部分穷困的男人都很懒,非常懒。这种懒惰不仅体现在赚钱,他们在家里也是一样懒。所以如果你选择了一个穷人,那么恭喜你,你得到一个完全不干家务活的老公概率比别人大了很多。

而且他们又非常敏感,你如果对车和房子表现出向往,他们会迅速判定你为“虚荣的女人。”并对你发出灵魂拷问“我当初怎么没有看出你是这种人,你这么喜欢钱你为什么要找我,你看谁有钱找谁去吧。”

当然是因为爱你才找你啊,不然呢?

但是好多时候,起初的一句爱你,相处中越来越爱你,都抵不过在过日子的柴米油盐中,你一点点让我伤了心。

我有一个朋友刚刚和相处七年的男朋友分手。原因是“我们在我生日那天去吃大餐庆祝,晚餐结束之后,他理所当然习以为常的等着我买单。我很难过,他说,是你自己要求吃人均500的啊,我建议我们去吃人均200的我来买单,你没有同意。”

我说其实这也不是什么特别大的事。她摇摇头,说“我当时就看到了我们有了孩子后,我想去私立医院生孩子,他冷漠地站在旁边看我自己结账,理由是他说要去公立医院生我没有同意。看到了孩子上学,我想让他上个好一点的,这也是我自己来结账,因为他建议过上普通学校。我看到了生活中,每当我想要稍微好一点的时候,就全要靠我自己,而他冷漠的站在旁边,理由是,我告诉你我们可以要差一点的,你不愿意。我对好一点生活的追求,对我们好一点的生活的追求,全变成了我自己一个人的事。而完全与他无关。”

心生感慨,想对那些口口声声说爱你,却从来没有为你们的生活去努力的男人说:没有女孩是因为虚荣与爱钱离开你,如果图钱,根本开始就不会跟你。最怕的就是我在为生活拼命努力奔忙的时候,你冷漠地在旁边袖手旁观,好像未来是我一个人的事。你这样不仅对不起“爱”,也对不起“我们”这两个字。

My best friend is 29 years old this year. We have been friends for seven or eight years now, and is the friend I hung out with since I first came to Beijing. A few days ago she told me that she is finally living comfortably after all these years, and starting from 25 years old and onwards she will not allow herself to fall in love with poor people.

I said that what you said makes it sound like the poor are guilty. She said, that’s right, the poor are guilty. Then she looked at the sky and said, “Don’t you think that in today’s society, it’s hard for young people to be poor? You really only need to learn a little something, use some brain, put a little bit of energy into life, then it’s enough to feed yourself. In this era, if someone still insists to be poor then it is definitely not a question of simply being poor. It must be some flaw and problem with his personality or character that lead him to be poor. Do not underestimate the poor, do not easily pull out your Immaculate Heart of Mary to love all things. I repeat, in this day and age, a poor person indicates that there is a big problem with their self.”

“Especially men, poverty determines that this person has no sense of responsibility, and no connections. In other words, having no connections means they don’t know how to look at people, or how to make friends. I know you are going to bring up class with me, to say that a person must also have some kind of ability, so they can ascend to a higher level. But even if the person roasting sweet potatoes at the front door is particularly good, and gets along well with people, he can at least find a few friends who are willing to help him. This is a question of one’s emotional intelligence. Having no friends willing to help him, first, indicates a low EQ; second, there is something wrong with his character; third, normally people are social, and it’s normal to not have a partner, but if he doesn’t even have one friend, then there is no need to argue with me, that there is something wrong with this person.”

I suddenly remembered the time we were in our early twenties, where the partners everyone found were poorer than the next. At that time we thought we were so glittering and pure, loving one’s character through appearance, and loving one’s soul through life. Looking back now, the majority are divorced, and those who are still together, are mostly not living how they wish to. Because the man they married, that is, the man they fell in love with at the time, is not only poor, but has no desire to make progress.

Around me I have seen many bloody cases, and with the risk of being scolded by speaking the truth, I think those girls running off to get married out of love, should not find someone too poor and lacking motivation. Except under these few circumstances: you also do not have any pursuit of quality of life, you have a lot of money, or your father is wealthy, he is so handsome that you can stare at him and not eat for three days, or they have irreplaceable talent. Being poor is nothing to be afraid of, but a man with no motivation is really scary.

Because no matter how much you love each other, you still need money to buy rice. Once you get married, no matter how eager, from late pregnancy, to childbirth, confinement for one month after giving birth, and until children are 3 years old, you basically can not go out to work. Furthermore, kid’s things are very expensive nowadays, and if you want them to live a little better, it would be even more expensive. Private kindergartens in Beijing are said to cost thirty thousand a month. Of course, it’s not to say that one must send their children to a private kindergarten, they just hope to give their children a better childhood.

Even to this day I still do not dare to have children, because I feel that I still can’t be responsible for a child’s life, and I am uncertain whether I would be a good mother. Also, I’m selfish. I do not want to give up my leisure time to care for a child. If you also have no children, there is no need to worry. I have a lot of friends of about forty years old who gave birth to children that are still healthy and lovable. (That’s right, ha ha ha ha, we have found a suitable reason to play a few years more.)

The majority of poor men that I know are lazy, extremely lazy. This laziness is not only reflected in how much money they make, they are just as lazy at home. So if you choose a poor man, then congratulations, the chances that you got yourself a husband who does absolutely no housework are much higher than everyone else.

Moreover, they are very sensitive. If you show any longing for a house and car, they will quickly judge you as a “vain woman”. And will interrogate you saying, “How did I not see what kind of person you are. If you love money so much then why did you come to me. You go see who has money and find them.”

Of course it’s because I love you that I came to you. Why else?

But a lot of the time, from the first utterance of I love you, the love that grows more and more from spending time together, cannot surpass the daily necessities in life. You make me a little sad.

I have a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend of seven years. The reason was that “When we went to have a fancy meal to celebrate my birthday, after dinner, he naturally got accustomed to waiting for me to pay. I was really hurt. He said, you were the one who wanted to eat a 500 per person meal. When I suggested to pay for a 200 per person meal, you didn’t agree.”

I said that this is actually not a particularly big issue. She shook her head saying, “At that time, I envisioned that when we had children and I wanted to go to a private hospital, he would coldly stand by watching me pay, on the grounds that I did not agree with him who said to go to the public hospital. I saw that to send our child to a better school, I would be the one who had to pay, because he had recommended our child attend an ordinary school. I saw in our life, whenever I wanted a little better, it would always depend on me, while he coldly stood by, because I told you that we can do with something a little short, but you are not willing. My pursuit of a little better life, my pursuit of a little better life for us, has completely become my own individual matter. And nothing to do with him at all.”

With a deep sigh of emotion, I want to tell the men who never put in the hard work in life, yet keep on proclaiming to love you: No girl leaves you because of vanity and love of money, if they were out for your money, they would never have been with you to begin with. What I fear most is when I am busy making efforts in life, you coldly stand on the side looking on unconcerned, as if the future was my own personal matter. This not only offends “love”, but also the word “us”.

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January 30, 2016 at 8:10 am

[…] Don’t date poor people – Xiuxian Lu […]

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August 3, 2018 at 5:45 am

Original translation by Gillian

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