精神出轨 – Spiritual infidelity

网友Andy来信说:

和菜头:

你好!

实在是无人诉说,所以想到了树洞。

我和妻子从相识到结婚已经十几年了,在外人眼中是幸福美满的一对:有乖巧的小孩,她对我很好,我也很体贴地照顾她。年轻的时候我们有过很多争吵,每次都很激烈。而且一般都是一些小事情,当然,争吵的责任是双方的,但是她的态度一直以来令我感到十分寒心,绝不妥协,无论怎样都要是胜利的一方,甚至我有时要放下尊严,求她与我和好。虽然现在随着年龄的增大,她变得理性,不会再那样任性,但我却变得不愿和她在一起做任何事情,不愿和她交流,其实在精神层面,我们一直都没有多少共同的话题。曾经的爱,现在也已转化成亲情,更多的是相互依赖,她是我最亲近的人。一直以来我都不认为自己的婚姻生活有什么问题,人生在世,不是每个人都能幸运地找到那个最适合的另一半,我也只是普通人,看看周围,浑浑噩噩就结了婚的人占大多数。虽然在婚姻生活中一直处于不开心的状态,但也没有觉得一定把自己的开心凌驾于一切之上,我只要负起自己的责任就可以了。

最近,遇到了我的初恋,叫她C吧,那时候也算不上恋爱,十几岁时两个人互有好感,但来不及开始就因为很多误会而错过了,留下些遗憾在心里。我们已经有十几年没有联系了,却一见如故,通过交谈发现十几年来彼此都还会想着对方,有很多共同点,很默契,两个人都产生了不一样的感觉,一段时间之后,我们发现爱上了彼此。

C的婚姻也不如意,我在想,如果我们都找到了最适合的另一半,可能就不会在现在相爱,也可能我们才是最适合在一起的。

据说精神出轨比肉体出轨更严重,我现在就处于精神出轨之中,我们的交往并不以肉体的交流为最终目的,但可以预见,再发展下去,发生肉体接触也在所难免。这不是重点,重要的是现在我产生了和C共度余生的念头,这令我很惊恐,怎么会想到背叛婚姻,而且这种想法随着我和C的深入交流而变得越来越变得不可抑制,C也有相同的想法。

一直以来我对待感情都是非常认真的,所以开始自我剖析,和C之间产生的所谓爱情,是不是心血来潮贪图新鲜,或者只是一时的冲动,最后还是认为自己是认真的。

我们都清楚地知道,如果在十几岁时就开始恋爱,有可能幸福地生活在一起,但更有可能会因为不懂珍惜

分离,会因为某次争吵赌气而分开,会认为对方不是最适合的人而平庸,或许爱情最终还是会变了滋味,现在的相遇,经过了各自十几年的婚姻生活之后,才将想象中的爱一步步剥开,逐渐明白了生活、爱情、婚姻的真实面目,才有了历经沧桑之后找到真正合拍的另一半的欣喜,才知道原来两个人还能如此开心地相处,才会产生在一起的念头。

但是我们都有各自的家庭和孩子,责任无法逃避,追求自己的幸福并不是一件容易的事情。我无时无刻不在思念C,回到家里却要装作若无其事,其实整颗心都在C的身上,其他事情根本无法吸引我的注意。这很痛苦,我不想伤害妻子,也不想欺骗,但是如果坦白,她必定伤心欲绝,其实就算我离开了她,C也不见得会有勇气离婚投入我的怀抱,但我不在意这点,而是现在这样的生活太过煎熬,每天强颜欢笑欺骗她,心里却完全装的是C,因为不能跟C在一起而感到遗憾难过。对C的思念与对妻子的愧疚交缠在一起,已经快要崩溃了。

或许这只是尘世中太过普通的一个男人变心的案例,还是恳请菜头将我的邮件发表,无论是唾骂还是鄙视,我都需要有人对我说点什么。

谢谢!

 Source: Shu0, 4 July 2012

Our internet friend wrote to us:

To Cai Tou:

Hello

There’s no one I can tell this, so I’ve come to Shudong.

My wife and I have known each other and have been married for over ten years. In the eyes of people outside, we’re a happy, satisfied couple: we’ve got a well-behaved child, she’s very good to me, and I’m also very considerate of her. When we were young, we’ve had many quarrels, always very intense. Generally, they were about little things, and of course, both of us were responsible for the quarrel, but still, I found her attitude really cold, uncompromising, no matter who won the argument, and there were even moments when I wanted to put aside my dignity, and ask her to be good with me. Although now, as we’ve grown older, she’s become more reasonable, and is no longer so capricious, I’ve changed, and no longer feel like doing anything with her, don’t want to exchange with her, especially at the spiritual level, we no longer have anything to talk about. What used to be love has now changed and become a sense of familiarity, and even more, one of interdependence: she’s the closest person to me. All along, I’ve never thought that there was any problem with my marriage, in life, not everyone is lucky enough to find their most suitable companion. I’m just an ordinary person, and when I look around, people who married without much thoughts are the majority. Although my marriage has been a rather unhappy one, I haven’t thought that my own happiness should come first, and I just wanted to take on my own responsibilities.

Recently, I bumped into my first love – let’s call her C. It was not really love at that time, just two teenagers with a crush, but this love that never took place because of misunderstanding and missed opportunities left some regret in my heart. We hadn’t had any contact for over a decade, but hit if off as soon as we met again. As we talked, we discovered that we’d both been thinking about each other over the last decade, that we had many things in common, that we understood each other without speaking. We both developws a different kind of feelings towards each other, and after a certain period, we found out that we’d fallen in love with each other.

C’s marriage is also an unhappy one. I thought, if we could find the person most ideally suited as our partner, we wouldn’t have loved each other as we had but maybe C and I are most suited to be together.

They say that spiritual infidelity is more serious than that of the flesh, and that’s what I’m now in the middle of. Our exchanges do not have physical contact as their ultimate goal, but it’s predictable that, as we go forward, physical contact will be inevitable. This is not the main point, what is important is that I’ve now developed the idea of spending the rest of my life with C, and this frightens me. How can I think of betraying my marriage? As my exchanges with C are getting harder and harder to suppress, C is beginning to think like that too.

I’ve always treated feelings as something very serious, so I’ve started to self-analyse, asking myself whether that so-called ‘love’ between me and C is not rather a passing whim, a desire for change, or just an impulse, but in the end, I still think it is something serious.

We’re very well aware that, if we’d started a relationship when we were teenagers, it’s possible that we would be living happily together now, but there’s more chances that we would not have realized the value of it.

Separation, can be brought about due to a quarrel and a fit of anger, “lets us perceive the other person is not the most suitable one, rendering feelings to being ordinary, consequently, we separate“. Perhaps, at the end of it all, the taste of love will eventually change, “the encounter now between C and I is after more than ten years of our respective marriage life“. Thus, we have slowly taken off the imagined covers of love, gradually having an understanding of the true nature of life, love and marriage. “Consequently, finding the other half that is truly in step with you after going through all the vicissitudes of life, only then, I realized that two individuals can still get along with such happiness. Thus, having the thought of infidelity.

However, we both have children and a family, we can’t escape our responsibility, and pursuing our own happiness is not an easy thing. I miss C whenever I’m away from her, but when I’m home, I act all nonchalant, when in fact my heart is all attached to C, and other things can’t attract my attention. This is very painful, I don’t want to hurt my wife, I also don’t want to cheat, but if I tell her everything, she will be heartbroken; and even if I leave her, C won’t necessarily have the courage to divorce and come into my arms – I don’t care about that, but the life I have now has too much suffering, every day I manage to deceive her with a smile, when my heart is all full with C, because when I’m not with C, I only feel regret and sadness. My feeling of missing C and guilt towards my wife are so entangled that I feel I’m about to collapse.

Perhaps this is just an ordinary case of a man’s feelings changing. I still sincerely ask Cai Tou to publish my e-mail, it doesn’t matter if I am condemned or scorn at, I need someone to talk or say something to me.

Thank you!

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