Our internet friend wrote to us：
To Cai Tou：
There’s no one I can tell this, so I’ve come to Shudong.
My wife and I have known each other and have been married for over ten years. In the eyes of people outside, we’re a happy, satisfied couple: we’ve got a well-behaved child, she’s very good to me, and I’m also very considerate of her. When we were young, we’ve had many quarrels, always very intense. Generally, they were about little things, and of course, both of us were responsible for the quarrel, but still, I found her attitude really cold, uncompromising, no matter who won the argument, and there were even moments when I wanted to put aside my dignity, and ask her to be good with me. Although now, as we’ve grown older, she’s become more reasonable, and is no longer so capricious, I’ve changed, and no longer feel like doing anything with her, don’t want to exchange with her, especially at the spiritual level, we no longer have anything to talk about. What used to be love has now changed and become a sense of familiarity, and even more, one of interdependence: she’s the closest person to me. All along, I’ve never thought that there was any problem with my marriage, in life, not everyone is lucky enough to find their most suitable companion. I’m just an ordinary person, and when I look around, people who married without much thoughts are the majority. Although my marriage has been a rather unhappy one, I haven’t thought that my own happiness should come first, and I just wanted to take on my own responsibilities.
Recently, I bumped into my first love – let’s call her C. It was not really love at that time, just two teenagers with a crush, but this love that never took place because of misunderstanding and missed opportunities left some regret in my heart. We hadn’t had any contact for over a decade, but hit if off as soon as we met again. As we talked, we discovered that we’d both been thinking about each other over the last decade, that we had many things in common, that we understood each other without speaking. We both developws a different kind of feelings towards each other, and after a certain period, we found out that we’d fallen in love with each other.
C’s marriage is also an unhappy one. I thought, if we could find the person most ideally suited as our partner, we wouldn’t have loved each other as we had but maybe C and I are most suited to be together.
They say that spiritual infidelity is more serious than that of the flesh, and that’s what I’m now in the middle of. Our exchanges do not have physical contact as their ultimate goal, but it’s predictable that, as we go forward, physical contact will be inevitable. This is not the main point, what is important is that I’ve now developed the idea of spending the rest of my life with C, and this frightens me. How can I think of betraying my marriage? As my exchanges with C are getting harder and harder to suppress, C is beginning to think like that too.
I’ve always treated feelings as something very serious, so I’ve started to self-analyse, asking myself whether that so-called ‘love’ between me and C is not rather a passing whim, a desire for change, or just an impulse, but in the end, I still think it is something serious.
We’re very well aware that, if we’d started a relationship when we were teenagers, it’s possible that we would be living happily together now, but there’s more chances that we would not have realized the value of it.
Separation, can be brought about due to a quarrel and a fit of anger, “lets us perceive the other person is not the most suitable one, rendering feelings to being ordinary, consequently, we separate“. Perhaps, at the end of it all, the taste of love will eventually change, “the encounter now between C and I is after more than ten years of our respective marriage life“. Thus, we have slowly taken off the imagined covers of love, gradually having an understanding of the true nature of life, love and marriage. “Consequently, finding the other half that is truly in step with you after going through all the vicissitudes of life, only then, I realized that two individuals can still get along with such happiness. Thus, having the thought of infidelity.”
However, we both have children and a family, we can’t escape our responsibility, and pursuing our own happiness is not an easy thing. I miss C whenever I’m away from her, but when I’m home, I act all nonchalant, when in fact my heart is all attached to C, and other things can’t attract my attention. This is very painful, I don’t want to hurt my wife, I also don’t want to cheat, but if I tell her everything, she will be heartbroken; and even if I leave her, C won’t necessarily have the courage to divorce and come into my arms – I don’t care about that, but the life I have now has too much suffering, every day I manage to deceive her with a smile, when my heart is all full with C, because when I’m not with C, I only feel regret and sadness. My feeling of missing C and guilt towards my wife are so entangled that I feel I’m about to collapse.
Perhaps this is just an ordinary case of a man’s feelings changing. I still sincerely ask Cai Tou to publish my e-mail, it doesn’t matter if I am condemned or scorn at, I need someone to talk or say something to me.