当人们谈离婚的时候,人们在谈些什么 – What do people talk about when they talk about divorce

王菲和李亚鹏一宣布离婚,大家感到震惊之后,纷纷开始猜测两个人离婚的理由,都说得有鼻子有眼的。其中矛头大多指向李亚鹏,不仅大多数人都默认是李亚鹏提出离婚,而且觉得如果不是男人出轨,有小三,有经济问题,是个人渣,为他付出那么多,淡出娱乐圈相夫教子的妻子怎能同意离婚。就连那个“王菲要出家”的很高端大气上档次的理由,也有人跑到李亚鹏的微博下面骂,如果不是他不好,怎么会把王菲逼得要出家,最后搞得王菲都急了,又追加了一条微博,表示离婚是自己提出来的,没什么小三,没婆媳问题,没经济问题,也没有要出家。这边憋屈了好几天的李亚鹏也终于可以喘口气儿说句话了:“孩儿她妈,永远爱你。”

这下倒好,全国人民都理解的不能了,你说你俩不为啥你俩到底是为啥非要离婚?你说你俩离婚不好好演狗血悲情戏码你们这玩儿似的你们是想怎样?我看着有趣,想起了很久以前的一个事儿。那时候我还在东北老家,有一批好朋友来自世界各地,其中有个Sam是我最好的哥们,一次我俩吃饭,他跟我说,Micky,我们的另一个朋友,最近找了一个中国情人,这个女人是一个有夫之妇,她的丈夫是一个考古学者,一年里有10个多月在外地,他们有一个女儿,Sam能明白Micky,毕竟他是个远离故国的单身汉。可是他非常不能理解那个女人,既然都可以和别的男人出轨了,据说平常和丈夫也几乎没有性生活,这样的婚姻为啥还要维持呢。于是我跟Sam解释,可能是为了孩子,他完全不理解,可是她自己的幸福呢?后来我又解释,在中国,离婚带着孩子的女人不大好再结婚,他还是不能理解,跟我这儿较劲的问。可是她这样觉得幸福吗?最后我也给问急了,干脆说,中国人就那样,和你们美国人不一样,中国人就是这么过日子的。他就更不能理解了。但是也不再追问了。

前两天看陈丹青的访谈,陈老师说,中国人最大的信仰就是活下去,今天想起这句话来,想说,如果中国人的信仰就是活着,那么很多中国人的婚姻观念就是混着。当一对夫妻离婚了,总会被别人问句“为什么?”。这句话的深层释意其实就是,你们为什么混不下去了呀?是谁先混不下去的呀?在很多中国人的心里,无论多不开心的婚姻,都应该尽量的混下去,除非有实在混不下去的极端理由,比如出轨,嫖娼,家暴,赌博,吸毒,经济问题这种原因,才算是公认的你应该离婚的理由,需要特别提的一点是,性格不合适,婚姻关系中个人幸福感极低,心情苦闷得想死,性生活不和谐,甚至干脆没有性生活,这些原因在好多中国人这里都不能算是混不下去的理由。而且上述在人们眼中算是离婚的正当理由,也要视情节严重而定,能混下去还是应该继续混下去。家暴的话打得不严重就再咬咬牙,赌博没到倾家荡产还是应该将就着过。我们妞问里就经常有姑娘来问,我老公出轨,我老公打我,我男友赌博……可是我还想继续怎么办。这些姑娘混一混,隔三差五的就来问同样的问题,人生就这么混着,犹豫着,追问着过去了。你什么也不能说,也不用说,因为你永远扶不起一个想混着的人。

既然不愉快的婚姻,混着才是主旋律,你离婚了,这么大的人生悲剧,就难免被大家盘问一下。可是如果这俩人没什么拿得出手的“正当理由”,这事就成了个挺难解释清楚的一件事。于是看客们只好自己把盘子拽过来,在一个叫“离婚理由大全”的套餐里挨个扒拉,往你身上比划,看哪个靠谱就贴你脑门子上。最后菲姐被大家给弄急了,终于一拍桌子开口了,老娘没那些扯淡的事儿,老娘就是不爱混着。看客们于是都惊呆了,然后觉得这对儿男女简直是奇葩啊(我真心觉得在一个满地奇葩的国度,正常人类才是奇葩啊!),你能混你为啥不混下去?不为这些你就要离婚?不能够吧,你肯定是因为什么混不下去了,别撑着了,说实话吧!大家又开始搜肠刮肚的寻求误解,其实大家就是不愿意相信,这世界上有人明明可以将婚姻混着到底,为什会她偏偏不肯将就。继续选择混下去的人有千百种理由,不混下去的人的理由通常却只有一种——他们还没有放弃自己的人生,他们觉得自己的人生还有期望,也不需要寄托在孩子身上,不管自己的余生只剩下三十年还是三年,他们都决心要认认真真的活下去,活到死,有肿瘤要割掉,有错误要解决的往前走。能找到新的伴侣就两个人一起重新开始,不能找到哪怕一个人也要好好走完人生的路,决不打混。再者以王菲的条件来说,她做自由选择的余地确实比好多普通女人要大太多,人家有这条件,干嘛非得跟大家一样混着呢?所以说人家不想混着,不也很正常吗?

至于说为啥俩人还有爱,其实大多数的夫妻开始总是有爱的,然而,即使是两个善良的好人也不等于一定能处得好啊,如果在一段坏的关系里,也会彼此被激发出人性里的恶的一面,最后变成互相厌憎。一对夫妻,如果他们没有纠缠到爱念全无,恶念丛生的那一步,当然心里还能保留一些感情了,所谓的好离好散,都是在没有恶形恶状到极致的时候就结束了而已。张雨生的歌里唱得好:她要走,就让她走,留来留去留成仇。王菲要自由,李亚鹏最后就给了她自由,说句俗的,有时候放手,真的也是一种爱。不过这句俗的唱起来容易,真要能做到的,其实很是不俗也不易了。男女之情没有了,日子过不下去了,但不等于对方全无优点,也可以有作为一个人对另一个人的爱啊。女人干干脆脆不拖泥带水,男人有能包容能理解胸襟,这些都是一个人身上值得敬和爱的品质,为什么就不能还有爱呢。如果情场是一个江湖,那么高手和高手之间,即便没有了爱情,也是可以互相欣赏的呀,何况又是孩儿她娘。

离婚只是一种选择,不是人生的失败,不是世界末日,亦不必搞世界大战。离婚的人不是败犬,只是重新来过,换个方式相处。因为他们对自己的人生还有期望,不打算破罐破摔的混着。看这一对离婚,我比从前更喜欢两个人了,没什么正能量之说,只是觉得大家都活得轻松点吧,不要把婚姻搞得像一场炼狱,把人生搞得跟坐牢一样,也许是真正让人感到活得有点儿人样儿的开始。

说到这,想起当年人们从敦煌山洞里挖掘出的一份唐代的离婚协议书,随手再贴一贴,这样的风度和优雅,在人人灰头土脸,面目狰狞的现代社会,已经是许久不曾见过了,也许你觉得只有王菲和李亚鹏是过于前卫和现代派夫妻,分手的时候才会说,“我很好,你也保重。”但又或许,这才是我们老祖宗的古风荡荡而已:

“凡为夫妇之因,前世三生结缘,始配今生之夫妇。若结缘不合,比是怨家,故来相对,既以二心不同,难归一意,快会及诸亲,各还本道。愿妻娘子相离之后,重梳婵鬓,美扫蛾眉,巧逞窈窕之姿,选聘高官之主。解怨释结,更莫相憎。一别两宽,各生欢喜。”

故事的男女主人公,各自向着自己的未来,继续前行,单身上路了。“一别两宽,各生欢喜。”就以此句,为这段婚姻的结局作个注解吧。

平面媒体请勿擅自转载,节选,摘抄或以其他方式使用此文,违者必究。

When Faye Wong and Li Yapeng announced their divorce, after everyone felt the shock, people slowly started guessing the reasons for it, speaking as if they new all the facts. Most people pointed the finger at Li Yapeng, and not only did most of them assume that Li Yapeng had filed for divorce, but they also thought that if he hadn’t cheated, hadn’t a mistress, hadn’t money problems, and wasn’t a scumbag, then after giving so much to him, how could a devoted mother and wife fading out of the entertainment industry agree to divorce him? Even when the news “Faye Wong to leave her household” was published and advertised widely, some people insulted Li Yapeng on Weibo. If he had done nothing wrong, how could Faye Wong have been compelled to leave her family? Finally, after causing her so much distress, he posted another message that said that divorce was his idea, there was no mistress involved, no problems with her mother-in-law, no financial problems and that she wasn’t going to leave her household. After holding back for several days, Li Yapeng finally spluttered: “I will always love the mother of my child.” ”

After the news got out, nobody could understand. “You two haven’t said why this has come about, so why must you divorce? When you talk about your divorce it seems like you’re faking heartache. What are you thinking?” I think this is very interesting, it makes me recall something that happened a long time ago. At that time I was still at my original home in the north-east. I had friends from all over the world, one of which was called Sam who I was best buddies with. Once when we were eating, he said to me, “Our friend Micky got a Chinese girlfriend, and she has a husband who is an archaeologist. Her husband spends more than 10 months of the year away from her, and they have a daughter.” Sam could understand Micky’s situation, after all, he was also a single man far away from home. However, he couldn’t understand that girl. Since she was having an affair with another man, and reportedly having almost no of sex life with her husband, why would she maintain her marriage? Thereupon I gave Sam an explanation, maybe it’s because of the child. He couldn’t comprehend this at all, what about her happiness? I explained that in China, female divorcees with children can’t easily remarry, but he still couldn’t comprehend, and so challenged me with the following question: But does she feel happy with this situation? Finally, I also pushed a question forward, bluntly saying that this is what Chinese people are like, we are different from you Americans, this is how we live our lives. This further increased his lack of understanding. However, he didn’t ask any further.

Two days ago I saw an interview with Chen Danqing, he said that Chinese people’s greatest belief is to keep on living. Today, after recalling this, I want to say that if life is a belief of the Chinese, then the attitude of many Chinese to marriage is to put up with it. When a couple divorces, they will invariably be asked, “Why?” The underlying meaning of this is, “Why can’t you continue to get along?” Who was the first not to be able to get along?” In the hearts of many Chinese, no matter how unhappy a marriage is, they should try their utmost to continue to get along. Only if there is a truly extraordinary reason not to continue, such as an affair, involvement with prostitutes, domestic violence, gambling, drug taking, financial problems etcetera, will it be accepted as a reason why you should divorce. A point that needs a special mention is that reasons such as conflicting personalities, an unhappy marriage, feeling so low that you want to die, an unharmonious sex life, even having no sex life at all, are not counted by many Chinese as reasons for being unable to get along. Also, in the eyes of the people, for the aforementioned to be counted as bona fide grounds for divorce, the circumstances must be seen as serious. If you are able to continue to get along then you had better to continue to get along. If bouts of domestic violence aren’t very violent and are endured, if gambling doesn’t ruin a household then it’s best to put up with it. Niubo often has young ladies that ask, my husband is having an affair, my husband hits me, my boyfriend gambles…… but I still want to continue, what can I do? These young ladies maintain the status quo, and every now and then one asks the same question. They live their lives putting up with such things, not knowing what to do and continuously ask for advice. You can’t say anything, and you don’t need to say anything, because you’ll never be able to help a person who wants to put up with this kind of thing.

In unhappy marriages, getting along is the course of action. After you’ve divorced, it will be hard to avoid the interrogation of others about such a large tragedy in life. However, if a couple are unable to give a “justified reason”, the situation becomes one which is hard to give a clear explanation for. Thereupon onlookers without any better option will, as if at a “grounds for divorce” dinner, throw dishes over one by one, gesturing towards you, seeing which ones stick firmly to your forehead. At last the woman is pushed to her wits end, finally hitting the table and saying that all those reasons are nonsense, it’s just that this old woman doesn’t like putting up with crap. This stuns the onlookers, who think that this is simply something rarely seen (I really think that in a country where such sights are a rarity, normal people are also a rarity!), saying you’re able to get along, why don’t you continue to do so? You want to divorce for this? You can’t do that, are you sure you can’t get along because of this? Stop this charade and tell the truth! Everyone starts to rack their brains to see if they’ve misunderstood, not willing to believe, there are clearly people in this world that can put up with marriage to the end, why is she on the contrary unwilling to? Those that choose to continue to get along have all kinds of reasons, those that don’t usually only have one kind – they haven’t yet given up on their own life, they think their own life still has hope, and they don’t need to entrust the care of their children no matter whether whether they expect to live another 30 years or another 3. They have decided to earnestly continue their lives, live to the end, if they get a tumour they’ll get rid of it, if they make a mistake they’ll resolve it and move on. If you’re able to find a new partner then this is a new beginning for two people. If you can’t then should live as best as you can, never waning. In addition taking Faye Wong’s situation into account, the leeway she got from choosing freedom is so much greater than that of many other ordinary women. When one is met with these circumstances, why on earth must one have to put up with it just like everyone else? So when one doesn’t want to just get along, is this not also normal?

As for why both still feel love, actually the majority of married couples always feel love from the beginning. However, even if both of them are kind hearted good people, this isn’t tantamount to them being able to get along, as during a difficult part of their relationship their vicious sides might be awoken by the other, finally resulting in mutual loathing. If a married couple don’t annoy each other to the point where the idea of love is lost and hatred is out of control, of course their hearts can retain some love. The so called good break-up is simply when it occurs before hatred get to its peak. A song of Zhang Yusheng put it well: She wants to go, let her go, if she stays the loathing will remain. Faye Wong wanted freedom, in the end Li Yapeng gave her freedom. As the saying goes, letting go is also a kind of love. However, although this saying is easy to chant, if you really want to be able to do it, then actually it’s no longer quite so easy. When there is no longer any love between a couple, and it feels like life can’t go on, this doesn’t mean having a partner in itself isn’t without its merits. You can always feel love for another person. Women should be resolute and not get stuck in a rut, men should have compassion and understanding. These qualities are worth the love and respect of everyone, so why can’t a person still have love? If a mutual relationship has experienced a lot, then between two masters, even if there is no love left, both can still appreciate each other, not to mention their child.

Divorce is a choice, it isn’t a failure in life, it’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t need to result in war. Divorcees aren’t dead dogs, they can simply start over and find another way to get along. They still have hope in their lives, and don’t plan to put up with something they know is broken. Looking at this couples divorce, I like their decision more than I did before. I don’t have anything specifically positive to say about it, it’s just that I feel that everyone should relax a bit more in life, don’t treat marriage as a from of purgatory, as if your life is imprisoned. Then perhaps people can genuinely feel that they’ve started to live as they should.

Speaking of which, this reminds me of when a Tang Dynasty annulment contract that was excavated from a cave in Dunhuang. Conveniently pasting it again below, it’s elegance and grace, in modern society where everyone looks either depressed or sinister, hasn’t been seen in a long time. Perhaps you think it’s only Faye Wong and Li Yapeng that are an excessively avant-garde and modernist couple, who when they split up say, “I’m fine, you take care of yourself.” However, perhaps this just the generous nature of our ancestors:

“The whole reason for a couple marrying, is that a strong bond was formed over the their previous 3 incarnations, and only in the current incarnation was this bond strong enough for them to become a married couple. If the bond becomes unharmonious, enemies are made, a mutual struggle is born. Since two hearts are no longer the same, it’s difficult to see eye to eye. Make haste and go to see your family, and each live your life as before. After the woman has departed, desire her to dress herself up again and make herself radiant, and find a good home. Dissolve the problems of the past, and no longer bear a grudge to each other. On separation all relax, each bearing happiness”.

The hero and heroine of the story each looks to their own future, continuing to move forward, taking to the road as a singleton. “On separation all relax, each bearing happiness”. This phrase is a fitting comment to the conclusion of this marriage.

Please do not reprint the media, an extract, or use the text in any other way without permission. Violators will be investigated.

Share your thoughts