我很早很早就知道了，近两年了。两年前，我爸在外地工作，当时我妈手机里很多同一个陌生手机号的短信，短信上也没什么露骨的话，只有简单的问候，我知道那是她网友，但我以为只是想普通朋友关系一样，也没想那么多。没多长时间，我爸从外地回来，他看出我妈的不对劲，去联通要了一张我妈近期手机呼出电话单，那一张电话单至少有两三米，上面有两百多个电话。百分之七八十，也就是一百多个电话都是那个网友的，我爸当时喝的酩酊大醉，当天晚上和我从七点说到近十点，我妈在超市工作，十点下班。我作业也没写，晚上我妈回来，我爸很平静的跟我说，回屋写作业去吧，我向他俩会好好谈谈，谁知道没多长时间我就听见“砰砰”的声音，开始还以为是楼上，十多分钟后又传来很大声的叫骂和哭声，我知道是我爸和我妈，我赶紧进我父母那屋，看见我爸只穿个内裤，拿着皮带砰砰的往我妈身上抽，我当时都吓呆了，我跪着抱着我爸的腿，我说爸有什么不能好好说啊，我爸置若罔闻，继续抽，不经意间抽到了我身上，火辣辣的疼，我只听见我爸说：“婊子，我哪里对不起你，你凭什么背叛我！我告诉你，你别把我逼急了，不然我什么事都干得出来！我先拿刀捅死你，然后再自杀！”恕我自私，爸，虽然你说的是醉话，可你想过我的感受没有？你是不是就没我这个儿子？晚上一直闹到两点多，我妈身上全都是青紫的鞭痕，第二天还要上课，作业匆匆三点多，第二天黑着眼圈要上课，我爸拉着我说，你说这是怪谁，要怪都怪你妈！他让我对我妈说我恨她，可那是我妈啊，生我养我的妈啊，我怎么说得出口！两人没有离婚，我爸口口声声说为了我，我还在上学，绝对不会离婚。当时我看着我爸说，你们俩离婚吧。我爸说，你这孩子是不是傻了，我们这是为了你！你咋还盼着我们离婚。 爸这样苟延残喘，真的是为我好吗？ 从前我爸我妈感情很好，吵架都很少，可这次我真怀疑他们婚姻的价值。
I had know very very early on, for about two years. Two years ago when my dad was working out of town, my mum’s mobile phone has a lot of text messages from unfamiliar mobile numbers. The texts didn’t say anything revealing or explicit and were just simple greetings. I knew that was her online friend, but I thought that it was just the same as an ordinary relationship between friends. Before long, my dad came back from out of town and saw that there was something fishy with my mum and went to China Unicom and asked for a list of my mum’s recent outward calls. That list was at least two or three metres long and had more than two hundred calls on it. Seventy or eighty percent, that is over a hundred calls, were all that online friend. At the time, my dad got drunk as hell and spoke with me from 7pm to almost 10pm that evening. My mum was working at the supermarket and got off at 10. I hadn’t done my homework and that evening when mum came back, dad said to me very calmly, how about going to your room and doing your homework? I thought the two of them would have a good talk about it, but who was to know that before long I heard a “crack, crack” sound. At first I thought it was upstairs, and after 10 minutes there came through the sound of really loud swearing and crying again. I knew it was my mum and my dad, so I quickly went into my mum and dad’s room and saw my dad only in his underwear holding a belt and ‘crack, crack’ whipping it at my mum’s body. I was scared stiff. I kneeled and hugged my dad’s leck and I said, dad it isn’t anything that can’t be talked out, but my dad feigned deafness and kept on whipping. Accidentally whipping my body there was a hot, searing burning and I only heard by dad saying: “Whore, what have I done to disrespect you, how could you betray me? I’m selling you, don’t make me angry or else I could do anything! First I’ll get a knife and stab you to death and then I’ll kill myself!” Forgive me for being selfish, dad, but even though your speaking drunk talk, have you even thought of how I feel? Do you even a son, me? The racket continued through past 2am and my mum’s whole body was blue-green-purple whip marks. The next day I still had to attend classes so I did my homework hurriedly by after three. The next day I went to class with black eyes and my dad pulled me, saying, tell me who’s fault is this, if you’re going to blame someone you should fully blame your mum! He had me say to my mum that I hated her, but that’s my mum, the mum who birthed and raised me, how could I say that? My dad said over and over that the two of them hadn’t divorced was for me and that as long as I was at school they absolutely would not divorce. At the time I looked at my dad and said, you two get a divorce. My dad said, child are you stupid, we are doing this for you! How are you still wanting us to divorce. With my dad pretty much on death’s door like this, was it really for my good? Before, my mum and dad’s relationship was really good and they rarely fought, but this time I really doubted the value of their marriage.
This thing went on for almost a week and I don’t know how the two of them sorted things out, if my dad still hit my mum after that. For that whole week I was in a daze and didn’t want to come home. On the weekend I bought myself a case of beer and drank down on the road, went and got smashed. After that the two of them made good and were just the same as before. But I thought there was no way there was nothing at all still between them. It was like this for another two years but in the last few days I happened to see that my mum was still in contact with that online friend. My mum had said online to that online friend, “I really want to give you my everything.” ” When I look at my at my husband, I see you.” “When I come and see you?” At the time I really had a shiver run from my head to my toes. I really didn’t know why my mum was like this. To tell the truth my dad treated my mum real real well. Every day my dad would go to work and when he came back he’d help with whatever chores and the like he could. You could say he was very obedient to mum. But why would my mum have affairs over and over again? Had she ever thought of me? Had she ever thought of my dad? Did she really love this online friend that much? And what should I do? Keep pretending I didn’t know? Now, at night I will have nightmares and see my dad beating my mum so she’s bloody all over. I really don’t want to say anything accusatory to my mum, after all she’s my mum, but the stuff she’s doing really makes me terrified. I really couldn’t stand saying harsh words to her, but can I do? I am really in so so much pain, I don’t know what to do, I am 15 years old this year, two years ago there was violence at home, now my mum is still having an affair and my brain cannot for the life of my think of anything to solve this sort of stuff. To tell the truth, in the future I don’t want to get married. Who can help me solve this problem?
It turns out I’d been holding in these words all along. Now that I’ve said them, I’m feeling a lot better.